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This Month's Newsletter Message:
June 2003 Connect for Your Best Summer Yet
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Connect…for Your Best Summer Ever!
By Vickie Falcone
Study after study has concluded that "connectedness" is the
single most important factor in a child's success and happiness. Yet many
of us fall short of connecting with our children and each other partly
because our society places little value on it and partly because we don't
realize how powerful and crucial it is to our children's well-being.
Learning to connect to your children is one of those powerful practices
that's "simple but not easy." Simple, because you can learn
how in minutes; not easy, because you may have to change lifelong habits
to make this your automatic mode, your way of life, and you can if you're
committed to Parenting with Soul.
You can experience three levels of presence with your child. In order
to spend most of your time at the highest level, it's helpful to be able
to recognize the less-than-optimal levels. The levels are:
Low-Level Connecting: At this level, you're "there, but not there." Your
physical body might be in the room. You may even be hugging your child
or holding him on your lap, but your mind is miles away thinking things
like, Did I remember to put dog biscuits on the grocery list? How do I
want my hair cut tomorrow? Did I put the milk back in the fridge?
I felt so proud to be an "at-home mom." By gosh, I was going
to be there to give my child plenty of love and attention. One day, when
one of my daughters was about three years old, she walked up to me in
the early afternoon and I noticed green stuff oozing from her eyes. Pinkeye.
My child had a nasty case of pinkeye and I had not made enough eye contact
with her in the preceding six hours to see the glassy, bloodshot eyes,
or to notice her rubbing her eyes and tap into her low energy. Ouch! A
classic low-level connection.
Medium-Level Connecting: At this mid-level of connecting, you're "there
with your agenda." You may be quite present, but you're not open
to the possibility of fully connecting with your child because you already
have a goal in mind. Some activities that constitute a medium-level connection
include: shopping, driving, going to a movie, lecturing, interrogating,
running errands, and doing various family activities planned by the parents.
Medium-level connecting is certainly an improvement over low-level connecting
and many medium-level activities are great fun. Also, many medium-level
connecting activities, like grocery shopping with your child or driving
them somewhere, are absolutely necessary. I'm not at all suggesting that
you abandon these types of activities. The problem happens when we mistake
medium-level connection for high-level connection. Medium-level connecting
does not usually fulfill your child's emotional needs. High-level connecting
does.
High-Level Connecting: In the strongest level of connecting, you are "there
with their agenda." You're fully present, making the current moment
the most important thing on your agenda. If you want a strong relationship
with your child and the rich rewards that closeness brings, connect at
this high level as often as possible. I doubt that any parent can operate
in high-level connecting mode all the time. I certainly can't. However,
we can all benefit by noticing how often we do manage to create this level
of connecting.
A Day at the Pool: Three Levels of Connecting
Here's an everyday example of how the same event can lead to very different
levels of connection:
Low-Level Connecting: You pack a lunch and head off to the pool with
your children with the thought that maybe you can have some fun, catch
up on your reading and squeeze in a quick coat of polish on you toes while
the kids are preoccupied. Halfway in to your second coat of polish, your
children whine for the third time, "Mom, come in the pool with us." Near
the end of the day you jump in the pool for a few minutes to appease their
demands.
Medium-Level Connecting: You pack a lunch and head off to the pool with
your children. They ask you to come in the pool a few times and though
you mean well, you end up talking for half an hour with a friend who has
just returned from a two-month trip across Europe. "Stop interrupting," you
say to your five year-old who is intermittently chanting, "Mom, Mom,
Mom…" Later, you jump in the pool and have a great time playing
Marco Polo while sharing the details of your friend's trip with everyone
in your family.
High-Level Connecting: You pack a lunch and head off to the pool with
your children with the thought that you will have a great time connecting
as a family. The children ask you to get in the pool right away and though
you had hoped to read a short magazine article, you enthusiastically join
them. After playing some pool games, you spot your friend who has just
returned from her trip to Europe. "I have so much to tell you!" she
exclaims. "I can't wait to hear all about it," you say, "I'm
in the middle of an important game of Marco Polo right now. Shall I call
you tonight?"
This month, set your intention to connect at a high level at least once
a day. When a child feels that you are truly present with him during an
activity or interaction, even just a few times each day, everyone benefits.
The rewards are great; a decrease in misbehavior for one and a closeness
with your child that is irreplaceable.
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This article may be reprinted provided that 1) you notify the author
the details at Vickie@ParentingWithSoul.com and 2) the following byline
appears in its entirety: Vickie Falcone is the emerging voice of today's
parents. She is founder of Positive Parenting Network and author of Buddha
Never Raised Kids and Jesus Didn't Drive Carpool: Seven Principles for
Parenting with Soul (Jodere, 2003). www.ParentingWithSoul.com
